It’s Okay Not To Know
Many of us are raised to believe that it is essential to gain and maintain control over our lives, and our culture supports this narrative. In fact, it is our definition of success. We are taught that if we work hard, educate ourselves and put in the time, we will be assured of a particular outcome; that if we focus on our dreams, we can make them come true. Then we feel particularly betrayed when life throws us a curve ball after we spent so much time planning, so that something like that wouldn't happen!
While yes, we do need to plan and have a vision of where we are going and how we want to get there, it is also true that if we focus all of our energy and attention on a particular outcome, we often miss what is right in front of us. Our Minds, our perspectives, are powerful. They can shape what we see, feel and experience. The Mind is a creative field. It is the interface between the non-physical and the physical. And if we remember that our beliefs cause literal physical changes in our bodies (this is the core of the science of epigenetics - see the blog on How Our Perceptions Shape Our Reality), this becomes a double-edged sword. If the lens through which we look at life directs and shapes our experience, this can both help us reach our goals, but also limit our possibilities.
What I would like to suggest here, is that it is Okay Not To Know - to not know what you think, what you want, what to do, what comes next. This state of being open creates limitless possibility, but is not supported in our culture and to many people feels totally ungrounded. So, what is the sweet spot between being open to all possibility and being 'responsible' or in control?
That will differ for each individual, and will likely look different at different stages of our lives. While at 70, with my child settled into her own life, I can throw open the doors of possibility and just 'step off the ledge,' that would not have been a responsible choice when I had a school-age child. Wherever we are in life though, there are steps we can take to be more open to what is appropriate now. Try this:
Practice - take a beat before following an old pattern, 'reacting' from a particular viewpoint or doing something just because you always do. In that space, pay attention. What is present to you, for you? Do you want to engage with it? Become aware of your usual patterns. Make a note of them. Do they restrict you? Hold you back? You might want to take an hour a day, or a whole weekend, and just be open, move toward what you notice that calls you.
Surrender to the paradox - things are often not black and white. Elements that seem to conflict can both be true. Get comfortable with that. Practice holding that viewpoint. I often think of it as looking down from a higher altitude, where I can see both things and how they fit together, rather than the perspective that one is right and the other wrong. Look at what you believe to be true about your life. If we hold certain beliefs that are limiting, then we tend to line things up that way. We make choices that reflect this.
Foster resilience - strengthen your social network, try new things and succeed at them, nurture yourself, get new skills. The more you succeed at new things, the less concerned you will be about trying something new. Embrace change.
